Life has been pretty confusing for me lately. It's the first time in my life where I haven't had a good grasp on where I'm heading to next, which has me migrating toward a life of monotony. Wake up, breakfast, work, lunch, work, dinner, read, sleep, repeat. I'm finally relating more to a robot than a human and I can't say that excites me.

Are we all inevitably destined to stall out?

I've always tried to orient myself to the morbid idea of what would I be happiest about on my death bed. One thing is for certain, the rinse and repeat lifestyle isn't it. Would I be proud about living in different cities? Being a nomad? Making deep long lasting relationships? Learning as much as I can? Meeting lots of different people? Becoming a work executive? I wish I knew the right answer.

Throughout life, I've found purpose in a myriad of things: Baseball, orchestra, school, running and more. One by one those priorities have melted to the wayside but have always been replaced by a more prominent better looking figure in my life. Through the iterations of life I've dug deeper and deeper into running but have unfortunately seen the light at the end of my tunnel. Emotionally, I'm all in on running and nothing gives me a greater purpose but over the years my physical ability to endure the grueling work it takes to pursue my passion has waned. I don't want to quit but I don't have a say when it comes to father time. Which has me reeling to figure out what's next?

These passion projects have also given me a sense of community, belonging, and self worth. Where now I feel i'm falling towards no man's land, which is probably why this one is hitting so hard. Where does one go when they don't know where to go next? Do they settle in on the monotony of life? Reorient all conversations to the glory days? Pursue a midlife crisis and buy a corvette? Dye their hair? All very intriguing options but I'm looking for some longer term clarity. So where do I go from here?

Is it great to be normal? Maybe I just fold and become another cog in the machine. Or maybe this is a chance to discover the real me?

P.S. I think Nick Mulvey captures the essence of pursuing a passion the best in his song "Fever to the Form". Highly recommend giving it a listen.  

​He housed a cabin all to himself
Had the sun to keep him company during the summer
Stockpiled pallets of timber to keep him warm during the frost

But he always questioned whether this was good enough.

He had rice and beans to stuff his gut
A well that spat clean water whenever he pleased
A gang of horses and pasture to keep him busy

But he always questioned whether this was good enough.

A neighbor nearby to trade the essentials
A brother in town to reach out to for help
A catalog of friends to pass the time by
​
But he always questioned whether this was good enough.